Addiction – When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.
I understand addiction! I’m not crying out for help, but I am sharing my experience in the hopes that readers will get something out of it. I’m not the one who gets to decide what that is, if anything. I’m just starting the “journey” if you will, so I can’t possibly know yet what the “message” of my life really is. I only know what has happened so far, and how I’ve felt up until this moment. I agree that reading about the pain of others is concerning when they are still hurting and in the same situation as when they wrote about it. But what can you do? You can reach out, ask how you can help and be there to listen. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves enough to take care of themselves and stay out of bad situations. Believe me, I know this.
Every habit a man (or woman) ever had is still there in his body, lying dormant like flowers in the desert. Given the right conditions, all his old addictions would burst into full and luxuriant bloom. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink, not take the next smoke, Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.
Even as a child I could see that I had a addictive personality. I would carry around a ball as a child and wouldn’t let it go (don’t know what I called it) mom? I may have a mild to severe addiction to Dr. Pepper 😊, and I am sometimes seen chewing on strings and such, (sorry Kim). But on a more serious note as a high schooler I was addicted to porn. Pornography fosters a lifestyle of secrets and deception, pornography diluted my mind, made me think terrible things. I am incredibly ashamed of all the thoughts and things I have seen. I would always try to minimize my addiction or just simply try and cover it up. To minimize this behavior is to embrace several of the myths about porn, namely that it is harmless, that it only affects you, and that you can control it and all of these are not true. It causes quite a bit of harm, it never only affects you and you definitely can’t control it.
As a young adult I sought after a different sort of thing. Gambling, this too I became addicted to, It took me for a rough ride that I will ever be ashamed of.
Every day, I would tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in bed, I tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day, a new day a different day.
And then the addiction takes me
This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—
Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself. Tomorrow is a strong word, it’s a word that can and will hurt you.
When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…
What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late.
Just one last time, Just one last fix. That’s all I need. Both addictions are always there, always in the background, and they always will be, unfortunately.
I am a work in progress, I will always be a work in progress, I m not perfect but I strive to be a better person everyday.
And that is why I understand addiction.