If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” – Will Rogers
I have found that my subconscious mind tends to forget or block out past trauma or tough memories, so now my long term memory isn’t great. In order to remember I tend to write in order to let out pent-up feelings. I find writing to be a non-judgemental outlet for my feelings. I don’t have to share it with an audience unless I want to. All I know is that writing makes my feelings tangible. The very act of putting pen to paper or even tapping away on the keyboard gives me something that I can touch and feel, which makes my grief feel more manageable than when it’s raging away inside of me with no outlet.
Some people find it hard to understand how the loss of an animal can leave such a massive hole in your life or be the source of so much grief. This means that pet carers often find themselves censoring what they feel or hiding their emotions about the depth of their loss. I cannot allow this to happen to myself.
Loosing Jack hasn’t merely left a hole in my heart it has as if someone has rearranged my life. To call him a dog hardly seems to do him justice, though inasmuch as he had four legs, a tail, and barked, I admit he was, to all outward appearances a dog, but to me he was more, he was part of my family. Jack was the best friend anyone could ask for. He would hug and cuddle me anytime he could get. He would follow me everywhere, even to the bathroom. He would sit in front of the pantry knowing the treats would be there and wouldn’t leave until he got one. He would know when I was sad or sick and would stick by my side and try and make me feel better. The rituals of feeding him in the morning or Jack being in my face literally until I fed him when I got home from work were just rituals but we’re more bonding moments. Whenever I would walk into a different room where Jack was I would see his little nub (his tail) just wagging away. He was the best dog any person could ask for.
The worst part about owning a dog is having to say goodbye, and that goodbye often feels far too soon, for Jack it was far too soon. Studies have shown that the loss of a beloved pet can cause severe psychological distress, and for many of us that grief can be overwhelming.
One question has to be asked How could the death of a canine possibly hurt as much as that of a family member? As the sadness lingers, part of my grieving process has been to try to understand the differences.
Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. I have experienced first shock, the shock of seeing Jack suffering so much and trying to cope and help him feel better knowing that he never would get better. I felt anger and disbelief that it was all happening so fast. I descended into a pit of guilt. Shouldn’t I have known? Did I do everything I could? If I had just . . . what? Taken him to the vet sooner? Insisted he be hospitalized? What if I had been home? I might not have been able to save him, but at least we were there in his last moments, it brings a little comfort. The fact that our pets are so dependent on us makes it all too easy to second-guess our decisions
“Simply stated, many people (including pet owners) feel that grief over the death of a pet is not worthy of as much acknowledgment as the death of a person,” researchers wrote in a 2003 article in the journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. “Unfortunately, this tends to inhibit people from grieving fully when a pet dies.”
In the past week and a bit I have cried many tears. Washington Irving has said “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
Research comparing grief over the death of pets to that over the death of friends and family members has come up with different answers. A 2002 article in the journal Society & Animals that reviewed multiple studies found that the death of a companion animal can be “just as devastating as the loss of a human significant other,” not quite as severe, “far more intense” or, well, just about the same.
Sandra Barker, the director of the Center for Human-Animal Interaction at Virginia Commonwealth University has said her clients sometimes begin the process of grief with a sense of surprise and even shame that they’re grieving more for their pet than for a sibling or parent.
She has said “But when people realize that the difference is the pet gave them constant companionship, and there was total dependency, then they start to realize that’s why they’re grieving so intensely.” Barker says the idea that the unconditional, nonjudgmental love offered up by animals — “they’re just happy you’re there” — can make it especially hard to lose them. Some studies suggest that just as pets can ease loneliness, it can be harder for us when they’re gone.
There is also the suddenness factor. Former president Bill Clinton told Newsweek in 2002 that the death of his dog, Buddy, who was hit by a car, was “by far the worst thing” that Clinton had experienced after leaving the White House. Barker says that not having time to prepare for the pet’s death “usually makes it more intense” and that something like an accident can add a layer of traumatic stress, especially if the owner witnesses it.
She may have well been speaking to Kim and I. Over the past five months, things have not been easy for Jack. We had been to the vet every two weeks to get check ups on Jack. He had been losing his hair, losing his voice and was limping. The vet couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Constant watching over Jack had been had over the next few months. Carrying him everywhere making sure he was comfortable, all the while not knowing what was wrong with him as all his tests came back positive and as if he was healthy. We were seeing improvements in his hair growth and his limping had subsided for the most part. So His death came as quite the shock and we were not prepared for it at all.
It’s too painful to describe the extent of my immediate reaction to his death, it was over powering and intense. The grief that has followed has been intense at times
Thankfully, many of my closest friends, family members and co-workers have been wonderfully sympathetic, and for that I’m very grateful.
One thing that I play in my mind is this :if Jack got to live his life over again, would he chose a different owner? I believe that Jack would chose us every time, Jack lived the best life that he could and Kim and I did right by him, and that is all I could really ask for.
To this end I say, Thank you Jack for being there for me.
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